All for Nothing
by Catlover friendly-but-xplosive
Summary: Everything she'd done, it was all for nothing.


A/N: I personally found Varric's 'it wasn't all for nothing' INCREDIBLY insulting, especially after my brother died in the Deep Roads… I wanted to rip him a new one right there. I can't be the only one, right?

Disclaimer: I own nothing…

**All for Nothing**

Her feet dragged against the rough stone road, the stone road she'd walked so often these past two years, laughing and joking, in furious silence, arguing loudly enough to make the neighbours complain. She didn't want to return home. Didn't want to face Mother. Couldn't face Mother.

"_You'll be a wealthy woman, Hawke," Varric said. She stared numbly at the wall, unwilling to admit Carver wasn't beside her, trying to pretend that the silence meant he was mad with her, not… "It wasn't all for nothing."_

_In disbelief she turned to him, fury filling her._

"_Wasn't all for nothing?" she asked. "Varric, my brother is…" she abruptly cut herself off. She just couldn't say it. "I would rather live in Gamlen's house for the rest of my life than be rich without… him." Tears glittered in her eyes and she wiped them away with the back of her hand. She couldn't say his name._

_Varric seemed taken aback and she took a deep breath._

"_Is money all you care about, Varric? You lost your brother down there too." The dwarf shrugged, mirth barely masking the pain in his eyes._

"_Bartrand is a bastard," he said. "I'm sorry, Hawke. About C-"_

"_Don't say it!" The sudden panic filling her nearly blinded her to her grief. If he said it, she would lose it, and she couldn't afford to lose it. Varric stared helplessly at her for a long moment and finally turned away._

"_I'm sorry, Hawke," he said instead and walked away._

"Mother, he's…" she tried to practise it so she could say it to Mother's face, but failed miserably. Tears leaked down her cheeks and she wiped them away. She couldn't say it- it would make it real. It couldn't be real. It just couldn't be.

Her shoulders slumped and she kept walking.

All too soon she was in front of the door, pushing it open numbly. Mother and Gamlen turned to look at her. Mother beamed and she turned away, instead looking at Gamlen, who seemed to realise there was someone missing.

"You're back! Wait, where's Carver?" Mother asked. At the name, she burst into tears and sank against the wall, only able to shake her head. She heard Mother slide to the floor, felt Gamlen sidle up beside her and touch her shoulder. His touch was strangely comforting and she moved closer to him, needing more. Awkwardly her uncle pulled her into an embrace and she rested against his chest as Mother started sobbing.

Somehow Mother sobbing seemed worse than everything else that had happened. She had taken Carver into the Deep Roads against her advice; Carver hadn't come back. Gamlen pulled away to look at her.

"What happened?" he asked and she suddenly couldn't keep her mouth shut. Disjointed words tumbled out, probably making no sense, but needing to be said.

"Taint… had to… no choice… left him… blood… so much blood… he looked so sick… begged me to do it… I had to!" The last one was a shrill, desperate tone. Mother raised herself off the ground.

"You left him there?" she asked, accusation in her tone. "Left him?" Suddenly she sounded like she had at Lothering. _"Why didn't you stop her? You should have stopped her!"_ It wasn't fair. She couldn't have stopped Bethany, couldn't stop the Taint, couldn't stop the ogre in time… it was her fault, all her fault… Carver was right, she was wrong for assuming the position of head of the family. She'd done a pathetic job of protecting her family. Bethany was dead. Carver was dead. She had failed.

Everything she'd done, it was all for nothing.

"I'm… I'm so sorry, Mother…" she burst into tears and slunk out of the house, unable to bear it another second longer. Gamlen stared after her and she met his eyes, something passing between them, something she'd never thought to see. Understanding.

"It's not her fault, Leandra," she heard Gamlen say distantly and Mother just started sobbing again. "She couldn't have known."

"I know," Mother choked out. "I know."

She fled, and heard no more.


End file.
